Back into the Light, and Some Gratitude

Song: Back into the Light
Album: The Third Gleam (2020)

I don’t know exactly what to say. To be honest, this song resonates with me deeply. I take some time each day to meditate on the music and explore what ideas and narrative paths begin to form in response to it. This written trailblaze in response to a central inspiration has been both enjoyable and enriching.

This song, however, just keeps pulling me back to itself, leaving me with a great difficulty in running away from it on my own. I am pulled in by the words of the song, as I feel a great sense of relatability with its central message: we are injured, and difficult things. We lie to others, and lie to ourselves. We built mountains on top of lies and we cannot reckon with some of our troubles. Some things are simply too much to handle, and that affects us, our loved ones, and it changes who we become.

What does it mean to “snap out of it, and step into the light?” What does that mean in real, practical terms? I feel like I have snapped out of many things; depressive episodes that have ripped through full winters that suddenly melt away with one swift motion. Anger, frustration that bubbles over the edges, immediately dissipating from a single smile from one that I care for. Time and time I seem to be lacking something; meaning, purpose, joy, stillness, even just the focus to process a day. And time and time again I rejoin those in the light of it all, and I am restored. The process is a circle that goes round and round again for over ten years now. I become something truly awful. I feel something truly terrible. I bear the weight of something truly unbearable. And then something clicks into place, and without a second word, broken things have become repaired.

The cycle is exhausting. I cannot describe the joy I feel when I have stepped “back into the light” and the scales over my eyes are shed. Who could say otherwise? But what feels so exhausting is the lack of assurance that all these things will not happen again. These feelings that render me catatonic and dazed always seem to come back. Then healing. Then hurt. Then healing.

I express my appreciation and gratefulness not only for those in my life who have contributed greatly to these moments of restoration and repair. For some, their ability to bear my weight and come alongside me in solidarity and conversation has meant everything to me. In others, just the acknowledgment of their presence in the room has been enough for me. I am so thankful. My intention is not to wallow and complain and gripe, but rather to express the unrelenting force of my thanks.

Additionally, finally, and most importantly, I acknowledge that these moments, these afflictions and pains, have all been met and conquered by God. Micah 7:8 says “Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.”

I do not have much to say today, other than to offer my feelings of gratitude towards those I love and keep close. To my friends, my family, my God. That’s all.